Friday, August 15, 2003

Fair and Balanced: the Fox News Legacy
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Iíve never watched Fox News. Ever. I donít even have cable. Heck, I only watch Fox to see The Simpsons and Futurama and theyíve canceled Futurama. However, this will not prevent me from offering my own Fair and Balanced review of Fox News, that pinnacle of Fairness and Balancedness. If anything, my unfamiliarity with the News Channel over qualifies me for the Job; Iím the very model of journalistic integrity: Iím so objective itís silly.

As everyone knows, Fox News was not so much started as summoned into being by the need of the American People for a Fair and Balanced source of Infotainment.

Now let me say something about Infotainment. Itís the wave of the future. No longer do we need to partition our ëtainment from our info. No sir. Thatís so 20th century! Information over yonder and entertainment delivered from the gaping holes of those Liberal schlock hockers in Hollywood (or as I like to refer to it, Sodomizemeontheconstitutionville). Now we can blend them together like a giant media swirlycone, getting our Info all mixed up in our ëtainment, just like God intended. And itís a little known fact, Fox News was the first to do this. In fact, I think they have a copyright on the word ìInfotainment.î So watch your back.

And so what if a few measly details like facts get left on the cutting room floor? The important part is that we have manageable sound bites for the folks in Peoria and Poteet. These are hard working people, barely keeping it together, what with the way those nasty Liberals keep refusing to raise the minimum wage and all. They shouldnít be bothered with too much info, especially during the ëtainment hour.

And whom does Fox News have to deliver these pearls of bite sized wisdom? Only the hardest working gang of talking heads on Television! Bill OíReily, Sean Hannity, the Ghost of Edward R, Murrow, who regularly drops through the roof of the studio to spin in circles every time their guest pundit says the magic word of the day (usually some variation of ìFuck me with your Texas Man Steak, George W. Bush!î) They are also graced with the amusing antics of Anne ìThe Manî Caulter, who I think is a trained spider monkey who does the weather. Oh wait? Sheís not a monkey? My editor has just informed me that Anne Caulter is not in fact a deformed Spider Monkey as I previously believed. I was obviously misled by some Unfair and wholly unbalanced and utterly fiendish Liberal Plot. Well, fool me once, Michael Moore, but Fool me twice and Iíll sue!

Now I have to give the man his due: Mr. Bill OíReily. Itís a bold move on the part of Rupert Murdoch to hire an openly avowed Metrosexual. Thatís Fair and Balanced! Just look at those immaculately manicured nails, that twinkle in his eye (do I detect a hint of eyeshadow, Bill? You Manly Dog, You!) and that expertly quaffed hair. The thing is, heís not some simpering homo trying to pass as a strait guy and failing like those ìQueersî on Will and Grace. Heís the real thing. A Manís Man (wink). So what if he likes to look nice for the ladies? And heís quite the Intellectual giant as well. When he cuts the microphone of some hippy about to trump his Infobites with obviously manufactured ìFactsî well, itís simply breath taking. You wouldnít see that sham, Donahue doing that. Itís pure Bill and itís pure genius!

Oh and Anne Caulter! I love it when they let her jump around the studio like a mawkish monkey that fell in a taffy-pulling machine! And her books are top notch. The detail involved in all those footnotes; they make my head spin, just like that time in Tijuana when Poncho gave me that punch he said was made with a special cactus...

Now, Iím sure youíve heard the rumors that she is assisted by a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters but I want you to know itís all Liberal Slander! She wrote every damn word herself! So let her have her glory wonít you, Bill Mahr?

All in all, these Special Folk at Fox News do an amazing job presenting a Fair and Balanced view of world events, in light of all the backhanded shenanigans form the Liberal Media Giants like ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, CSPAN, the Cartoon Network, Bravo, and that Uber Media conglomerate personified by John Stewart, Comedy Central. Damn you John Stewart! Damn! You! All! To! Hell! Oh how that man makes me laugh! With rage.


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