A Blessed Event
I've decided I don't like weddings. And it wasn't that my sister's was horrible or rotten or Very Bad, even. It was nice enough, as weddings go. It's just that I've come to realize that weddings, or rather, the wedding planning industry has taken a hold of young women's minds and filled them with all sorts of rubbish about how you need to have an elaborate expensive dress that you'll only ever wear once, force friends and family to put up with all sorts of hectic bullshit-- like making bouquets and organizing who marches with who and where and how tall the second groomsman is in comparison to the weird girl in the awful pink dress who looks horrible in that particular shade of rosy pepto pink anyway; and all for a single day of tense, never ending stress followed by lots of carting around of dying flowers and left over ham.
It's all simply too much. The stress far out ways the pleasure, which means it’s simply should be avoided at all costs. I will now and forever be a staunch advocate of elopement. Any friends, who feel the need to get hitched, can do so in front of a judge. I'll witness for them and then buy them dinner at a fancy restaurant. I'll tell the same to my daughter, if I have a daughter, and offer her large sums of money if she'll just run away and marry the lovely boy (or girl) of her dreams and just not cause her mother and I the hassle. It's not that we don't love you, as yet fictitious daughter. We simply have been to too many of these horrible things and want to save you the stress, hassle and hair pulling torment of having to make your best friends wear horrible clothes and march around while some dude in a pointy hat waves his magic wand over your head.