Monday, November 08, 2004

Movies They'll Never Make

I started this series back in august, but sort of got distracted by some really unimportant political crap. So I'm bringing it back. The movie they'll never make this time is James Bond.

It's sad really how far James Bond has fallen in recent years. He used to be a drinking, smoking, cruelly womanizing hero and we loved him for it. But he's quit smoking, drinks only to ease the pain of his existential loneliness and feels remorse when the latest babe he's banging dies. Frankly, the soft and cuddly feminized Bond sucks. I want my misogynist back!

The threat of Global terrorism and corporate hegemony is really lame as Super villains go. Remember back in the good old days of the late fifties, early sixties when the Red Russians were hiding nukes under poodle skirts and maniacal geniuses demanded outlandish sums of money, lest total world annihilation ensue? Me neither, but they made for some fantastic plots, full of super cool gizmos and lots of hip fun. In order to see James Bond return to his roots, we have to go back in time. I want to see a James Bond Period Movie. One set in the Cold War days of the fifties, with all the Commies and Beatniks Hollywood can muster.

The plot: A mad genius by the name of Bluto Fang has kidnapped the controversial Psychotherapist, Wilhelm Reich and is forcing the beleaguered Doctor to build a giant Cloudbuster Weather control device. He is holding the world hostage, lest he set the device off and create a new Ice Age. Bond must infiltrate Fang's base and either rescue or kill the Doctor to save humanity.

It's just that simple. That's how the plot's of a good spy thriller should be, with twists and turns and reversals along the way, mostly invovling several women with little to no clothes and even fewer morals as well as an exotic henchman with a gimmick thrown in for good measure. Most important in a retro movie is the quasi-futuristic details: lasers, henchmen in weird uniforms, secret headquarters designed by Le Corbusier and fast British cars. It'd be beautiful, in ways no movie has been in a long time.


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12/13/2005 5:18 PM  
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