Saturday, December 04, 2004

The New Confederacy

Six score and nineteen years ago, the American Civil War ended. The Confederacy was dragged kicking and screaming back into the Union in order to preserve Unity, economic prosperity, and so we wouldn't have to change the number of stars on the flag1. At the time, this seemed like a good idea. But, as the recent Presidential Ugliness has shown us, in the long run, this idea sucks eggs. We should have let the Confederates go when we had the chance.

Now, we've let them into the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court and they're trying to rewrite the Constitution (When they aren't just ignoring it outright) to suite their ends of turning this once great Experiment in Democracy into a Christian Theocracy that, were it's rhetoric slightly more Arabesque, would give the Mullahs in Saudia Arabia a holy hard on.

This election made one thing very clear: their really are two Americas. John Edwards may have thought he was being allegorical but there is far more truth in symbolism than many care to admit. Blue America and Red America, while not exactly regional places, are very clear states of mind. These mental states have created these two Americas that are very separate, very much at odds with one another. As Steve gilliard pointed out:

Liberals, members of the reality-based community, cannot understand why right-wingers cannot see the self-serving nature of those in charge and make much of the blind religious faith of evangelical fundamentalists who support Bush. Again: Bushco doesn't want policies. They want power. The power to empty the Treasury, to enrich their golfing buddies, the power to enforce social, intellectual and cultural conformity at the expense of independent thinking. How else will they get enough of the populace to vote against their own best interests?

Here's the thing: right-wing voters can see it. They like it. Jane Smiley's wrong. They know perfectly well which end is up; they're bullies and, at heart, monarchists/theocrats, and they want to be associated with brute force. They know it'll cause pain to people they hate, so they like it.

Well, I say, if it's a Confederacy they want, It's a Confederacy they shall have. Only this time, it's we Unionists who will Secede.

Take a look at this electoral map. While not all of the Blue States are contiguous, they are all in pockets, the Coasts and the Northern Midwest states, plus Hawaii.

Here is what I sugest: Blue America should succeed from Red America. While the regional Red vs. Blue state divide is not a complete match, it’s better than what we have now: two very different Americas trying to get along as one. The Confederates don't like our culture; all of our decadent art and filthy museums? Fine. We'll take them with us. All the important cultural institutions are in Blue America anyway. Along with all the ivy league schools and most of the other educational centers that are so rife with pinko sentiment. But we get to keep Wall Street. It's in that hot bed of Liberal sentiment, New York, so commerce is ours. Red America hates Hollywood values but they love Hollywood movies. From now on, they'll get them second run, and pay through the nose for them. Oh, and we get Washington DC as well. It's not like they were visiting the Smithsonian anyway and they're always going on about how they want someone from outside the Beltway to run things. Fine. Move your Confederate Capitol to Arkansas.

We also get the Constitution, and the name along with it. You won't miss it. We'll be the USA and you can be The Confederate States of Jesusland or whatever Biblical name you can conjure up. Fine with us.

Now, succession isn't easy. Their will be some uncomfortable years of adjustment. Mostly for the Confederates, as they'll have to get used to not having Blue State tax money funding their roads, schools and small businesses. Georgia Tech used to be a nice school. But once the Confederates get their way and Education is privatized, they can say bye bye to their NCAA teams2. But hay, they want to abolish all that pesky government interference in education and economics anyway. The hardest part will be for the Unionists who currently reside in blue counties stuck inside Red States. There's quite the archipelago of Unionists out there and we'll have to establish guidelines so they can immigrate to safe territory. I suggest a Treaty of Naturalization: Once the two Americas are separate political entities, anyone born prior to the date of succesion and living in the Confederacy can immigrate to the US and receive immediate, free citizenship. After all, you were born in the US. I would suggest a reciprocal guideline for those living in the US who wish to immigrate to the Confederacy but we all know how they feel about immigrants.

So where will the new American States go from there? That's up to all of us to decide, since, after all, we'll be a real, functioning Democracy again, instead of the Confederate sham that we have now3. Hay, the skies the limit. And since we'll need to replace the vacuum left by the Democrats becoming the conservative party, then maybe the Greens (or some as-yet unknown party that is actually Liberal) will step up and fill the void.

And what will become of our Confederate neighbors? It's unlikely that they will be able to keep on making wars, since most of the means of production that belong to the military industrial complex will be in the US. Not that that will stop them. They do love to blow shit up and don't let a little thing like economics, the well-being of their citizens or reality get in the way of their boys having a good ol time. I predict that within a generation of succession, the Confederacy will be running on slave labor and dirt roads, just like grandpapy used to. And they'll love every minute of it. Sure, they'll effectively be a third world nation of subsistance farmers, oil fiefdoms and corporate slavery. But they'll finally be rid of that nasty liberal and cultural elite that they hate so very much.

1. If you think the process is tedious for a regular bill, try passing one involving amending the flag. It's easier to discuss evolution with a Republican.
2. We will of course have to send archivists and librarians in to retrieve the few cultural artifacts and resources left behind by secession.
3. I'm thinking Universal healthcare, Legal Homosexual Unions with all the benefits and maybe even decriminalization of marijuana, just to name a few of my pet ideas.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pardon me but I know many, many Confederates, like myself, that despise the fat Republican pigs that have poluted this nation and it's highest goverment offices. You're right, they want power and money at the expense of the rest of America. I was appaled when "W" got re-elected. Unbelievable. I know a dumb ass when I see one and Bush is about as a big an idiot I ever seen. My roots for generations are in the South and I'm proud of it. Look at Bush wanting to give amnesty to illegal aliens. I have nothing against them, the problem I have with this is Bush and the Republicans are using them for political gain and will create a hugh disenfranchised population of people with no civil rights. Sound familiar Mr. Lincoln? Sure tag emancipation on to the end of the Civil War but don't give the freedmen any rights for 100 years. Just use them for low paying jobs and keep them in poverty. Now that's American Mr. Bush.

4/01/2006 8:31 PM  
Blogger Scott Haley said...

Every "red" state has a large "blue" minority. As the old people pass away and a new generation gets old enough to vote, we may see states turn. Let's not abandon them yet.

4/04/2006 12:06 AM  

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