Words, Words, Words...

I've taken down the link to the excerpt from my Novel, the Tragic Circus. I'm in the process of polishing the MS, getting ready for round two of my submitting it for publication. Thanks to everyone who gave feedback and comments. I'll keep everyone posted as I recieve rejection letters and, hopefully, one day soon, the magic acceptance letter.

No More Coincidence

I heard the news on the Beeb last night, that Al Quida has claimed responsibility for the Madrid train bombing, as a retaliation for Spain's backing of George Bush's little Mesopotamian Excursion. What I didn't know though was that the attack happened a week before Spain's general election. Or that the attack happened exactly two and a half years after the WTC attack. (I think on some level I had intuited this but never bothered to do the math).

My heart goes out to Prime Minister Aznar and King Carlos and the people of Spain (see Jeb, it's not so hard to find out who these people are).

And it makes me wonder if this is what we have to look forward to in six months: another attack on Bush's watch. But this time he's not going to get a chance to spin it around to his favor. It's plain now that George Bush is an absolute failure when it comes to the War on Terror. He spent the last two years going after a shattered dictator in an unarmed country while the real terrorists were at large, plotting and calculating, just like they were three years ago when Bush was vacationing on his ranch.

That about sums up George W. Bush's term as president: On Vacation.

Astonishing Tales

Like many, I've been following the adventures of America's Worst Mother (TM, TBogg industries, a joint venture of Nabisco and Lockheed-Martin). I'm amused at his snarky take on this strange, tortured, repressed woman and her lamentable children with names that make the Zappa kids sound normal. But today I actually perused Meghan Cox Gurdon's column at the National Review.

It's astounding. Like a opium dream crossed with an Oprah Book of the Month title (the old ones, when she was promoting single debased women authors with no talent instead of raping the corpses of the great writers of the 20th century, looking for pocket change). This week's column is centered around a mysterious white stone, some red-leather clad teacher dancing a tango and the children foaming at the mouth over fire breathing rabbits. Either this woman is feeding her children horse doses of LSD in order to record the results ala Tom Wolf, or else she's been spending too much time with a hookah pipe in her mouth. Either way, it's a frightening sight to behold.

It never ceases to amaze me when I'm confronted by the level of crap that gets published these days. What's even more astounding is that the "writers" of such shit get payed while I can't seem to find a publisher interested in my stories*. Apparently I'm not cloying, don't have children to exploit in some Dickensian fantasy gone horribly awry and still retain a shred a human decency. All traits that bar one from syndication these days, apparently.

_________
*I received another rejection letter Wednesday, this one for some short stories I was hoping to have published, hence the undercurrent of frustration.

update: In retrospect, I realize that me grumbling about syndicated columnists and moaning about my umpteenth rejection letter may strike some as a bit childish. Generally speaking, I regard rejection letters as a badge of honor. Moby Dick was rejected numerous times, as was Ulysses and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance was famously rejected by over 100 editors before it was published and it's now a classic. So there. But, It's been a frustrating week, what with grad school and my wife being in another state and on the most frustrating day, I returned home to find that little gem of a rejection letter waiting for me, so it was not exactly what I'd call a cheery moment. But in the future, I will keep the bitching to a minimum. I won't say it'll never happen again because, well, it's my blog and if I feel like moaning, damn it, I'm going to moan!

Battlefields of the Mind: Looking at the Culture War from Afar
Part Two: Monkey Gone to Heaven

One of the first modern skirmishes in the Culture War was the Scopes Monkey Trial.

The early 1920s found social patterns in chaos. Traditionalists, the older Victorians, worried that everything valuable was ending. Younger modernists no longer asked whether society would approve of their behavior, only whether their behavior met the approval of their intellect. Intellectual experimentation flourished. Americans danced to the sound of the Jazz Age, showed their contempt for alcoholic prohibition, debated abstract art and Freudian theories. In a response to the new social patterns set in motion by modernism, a wave of revivalism developed, becoming especially strong in the American South.

~Douglas Linder , from An introduction to Tennessee Vs. John Scopes

This will be a reoccurring motif in the Culture Wars, all the way up to the present: the reaction to cultural advancement by "Traditionalists" who fear that their comfortable assumptions are being subverted by Infophiles bent on shimmying their way down the slippery slope to Hell. The Traditionalists (which I refer to as Infophobes) do not see the benefit of lessoning human suffering through the application of our wits and intellect as a good thing. Despite the fact that it has been, at every turn, the Infophiles that have stood for the betterment of society as a whole, by championing advances in science, medicine and social philosophy that improve the lot of humankind, the Infophobes have tried to halt progress out of an irrational fear of the new.

Who would dominate American culture--the modernists or the traditionalists? Journalists were looking for a showdown, and they found one in a Dayton, Tennessee courtroom in the summer of 1925. There a jury was to decide the fate of John Scopes , a high school biology teacher charged with illegally teaching the theory of evolution. The guilt or innocence of John Scopes, and even the constitutionality of Tennessee's anti-evolution statute , mattered little. The meaning of the trial emerged through its interpretation as a conflict of social and intellectual values.
†
William Jennings Bryan , three-time Democratic candidate for President and a populist, led a Fundamentalist crusade to banish Darwin 's theory of evolution from American classrooms. Bryan's motivation for mounting the crusade is unclear. It is possible that Bryan, who cared deeply about equality, worried that Darwin's theories were being used by supporters of a growing eugenics movement that was advocating sterilization of "inferior stock." More likely, the Great Commoner came to his cause both out a concern that the teaching of evolution would undermine traditional values he had long supported and because he had a compelling desire to remain in the public spotlight--a spotlight he had occupied since his famous "Cross of Gold" speech at the 1896 Democratic Convention. Bryan, in the words of columnist H. L. Mencken , who covered the Scopes Trial, transformed himself into a "sort of Fundamentalist Pope." By 1925, Bryan and his followers had succeeded in getting legislation introduced in fifteen states to ban the teaching of evolution. In February, Tennessee enacted a bill introduced by John Butler making it unlawful "to teach any theory that denies the story of divine creation as taught by the Bible and to teach instead that man was descended from a lower order of animals."

~ibid

We can speculate about Bryan's motivations all we like but we will never really know what motivated him to take up such a cause with his famous vehemence and elocution. Perhaps Bryan really was simply concerned about the Eugenicists. Given the role such proponents of racial purity would play only a decade later, it is a laudable notion that he was simply a crusader against pseudo-science and intolerance. But that spins the facts at hand in a very wide circle. One does not defend reason and good sense by beating it to death with a Bible. Though this is often the claim of Traditionalists who join such related battles as the Right to Life Movement and the Anti-stem Cell movement. they may want to defend the sanctity of the human spirit but they almost always do so at the cost of human life.

Perhaps it's a little hyperbolic of me to suggest that the Scopes trial was a life and death struggle for the human mind. Perhaps. But the Human Mind is where we're fighting the Culture War. And while the Monkey Trial ended 79 years ago, it does not mean that the fight against evolutionary theory has ended. if anything, the Infophobes wroth mightily at their defeat in Tennessee and have been redoubling their efforts to suppress the teaching of Evolutionary theory ever since.

As recently as January of this year, the state of Georgia considered banning the word 'Evolution' from its biology curriculum. An Orwellean gesture if there ever was one. How would banning a word stifle the idea behind it?* Obviously, it doesn't and luckily, in this case at least, level heads prevaled. The "buzzword" evolution remains, to vex the Creationists with all its magical might.

But of course, their are no more Creationists anymore. No. Creationism went out with the Reagan Administration. Even Traditionalists can evolve, apparently (just don't tell them that). Creationism now has donned a lab coat and walks about thumping it's copy of On the Origin of Species (the one with the suspiciously well worn leather cover) and talking all about Intelligent Design (ID). Which is merely more magic words conjured up by linguistic shamans to give their favorite Zombie notions the stench of Academia, and thus credibility (Night of the Living Creationist doesn't have the same ring to it as Intelligent Design).

In short, ID proposes the same thing as current evolutionary theory, only with the added benefit (or the superfluous, third nipple as it were) of there being a Designer behind the whole scheme. This Designer is of course never named outright (and which name would you use? Doesn't He have nine thousand names? Hard to cite Him as a source when the bibliography runs longer than the paper). Of course, what the ID proponents fail to realize is that even a cursory examination of actual Evolutionary theory renders the idea of a designer irrelevant, based on Ockhams Law. But then they wouldn't be Creationists if they respected scientific method, now would they?

"Well," say the Creation Scientists, "Evolution is Only a theory! Shouldn't we open the floor to other theories as well?" I'll let Stephen Jay Gould field the response to this rather self serving statement:

"Well evolution is a theory. It is also a fact. And facts and theories are different things, not rungs in a hierarchy of increasing certainty. Facts are the world's data. Theories are structures of ideas that explain and interpret facts. Facts do not go away when scientists debate rival theories to explain them. Einstein's theory of gravitation replaced Newton's, but apples did not suspend themselves in mid-air, pending the outcome. And humans evolved from apelike ancestors whether they did so by Darwin's proposed mechanism or by some other yet to be discovered."

ó " Evolution as Fact and Theory ," Hen's Teeth and Horse's Toes: Further Reflections in Natural History , New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1994, p. 254.

Lucky for us Infophiles, we have such supremely intelligent and bold generals as Dr. Gould to help us in the ongoing Culture War. And though Dr. Gould has left us bodily, there remains a wealth of knowledge and guiding light in his work, to serve as ample ammunition:

"'Creation science' has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage ó good teaching ó than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise?"

ó "Verdict on Creationism," The Skeptical Inquirer , 1988, 12 (2): 186.

In Part three, we'll look at the two opposing base camps in the Culture War, the Secularists and the Theocrats.

__________
*Animistically, speaking, the word itself is the thing itself. So, banning the magic word "evolution," makes the whole concept go poof! And all those black magicians in white lab coats subsequently scuttle off to their dank laboratories to wring their hands and mutter. At least in the mind of the sorts of folk who think Jesus spoke with a King James accent and think that Semiotics is a four letter word.

Read Part One

Watcha Readin'?

Read any good books lately?

Googlebomb

I just Googled for "awol" and this is what I found. Beauty!

My New Theory

I'll lay this one out like a syllogism, so even the freepers can understand it:

1. The world's supply of oil is running out. There are varying estimates as to exactly how much is left but it's barely enough to get us through the next 20 years, at most.

2. The oil barons realize this and decide that they need one of their own in the White House in order to legitimize their grab of the world's remaining oil supply, which happens to be in places like Iraq and Venezuela.

3. They do this by piggybacking the neocon agenda of invasion-for-the-fun-of-it, using National Security as their trojan horse.

4. When the oil wells start to go dry, they are the ones in control of the remaining supply, allowing them to gouge the rest of the world when the crisis becomes unavoidable.

Thus, the Oilmen make a butt-load of money and the rest of us get shafted because of their shortsightedness and greed. After all, we still have no alternative fuel source for when the oil does run out, meaning that we'll all be living in the dark.

Then their grandsons will become tallow barons and buy up the last candles and sell them to us.

Perhaps I'm wearing my tinfoil hat a little too tightly these days but it's at least as plausible and far more coherent an explanation for war than anything the administration has said in public.

The Hurtling Moons of Barsoom

The Mars Rover on friday witnissed a solar eclipse on Mars, the first time weíve ever seen such an event from the surface of another planet.

Living in the future is sometimes frightening but every once in a while, I'm reminded that itís worth it. This is one of those times.

~Thanks to Byzantiumís Shores for the link.

(and the first person to correctly identify the reference in the title of this post will win a mix CD. Yeah!)

Battlefields of the Mind: Looking at the Culture War from Afar
Part One: A Reasonable Madness

For those who donít read David Neiwertís blog, Orcinus, you really are missing something. Mr. Neiwert has, for some time now, been documenting the hate speech and general antics of the Ultraconservative Right in what has become known ostensibly as the Culture Wars. And heís doing an amazing job. Seriously, if you arenít reading Orcinus on at least a weekly basis, I donít see how you could call yourself culturally or politically aware.

Iíd like to look at the Culture War, but from a Big Picture perspective.

First off, who is involved in this War? What are the sides and where are the lines drawn? Itís harder to pin down these specifics as the culture war, unlike your all too common geopolitical war, is fought entirely on an abstract plane of ideas, with memes instead of bombs and rhetoric in place of machine gun fire. To catch even a glimpse of the Big Picture, we need to examine the mental battlefields where these skirmishes take place.

In itís broadest sense the culture war has been going on for over 200 years, and started way back in the eighteenth century with the Declaration of Independence (in the US) and the Declaration of the Rights of Man (in France). To generalize for a moment we can look at the current Culture War as little more than an extension of the centuries old battle for human spirit, with the Champions of the Enlightenment on one side and the Minions of Theocracy on the other. But this is, as I said, a generalization (Iíll also admit that Iím squarely on one side of this conflict and so more than a little bias. Iíve always had an affinity for Enlightened Humanism and a profound disdain for theocrats of any shape). But the lines arenít drawn distinctly. It isnít simply Liberal vs. Conservative, Right vs. Left or any of the other dull labels that our mass media drag out every time they stumble across one of these ideological battlefields. However, we can make meaningful distinctions between the two sides of the culture war if we examine them from the perspective of Information, or more precisely, their attitudes about Information.

Robert Anton Wilson characterizes the two sides as Infophobes and Infophiles.

The pure infophobe (represented not too badly by most "respectable" law-abiding citizens anywhere) obsessively avoids exotic foods, exotic ideas, exotic clothing, exotic people, "dern foreigners," new technology, innovative art or music, tabu subjects, originality, creativity etc. Sen. Exon, Sen. Gramm, most of Congress, Theodore Roszack and Unibomber represent various styles of compulsive infophobic imprints. The pure infophile remains a relatively rare person at this primitive stage of evolution. The infophile seeks out the new and exotic in food, ideas, clothing, technology, art -- everywhere. Picasso, Joyce, Niels Bohr, Bucky Fuller and all the murdered heretics and innovators of history represent extreme infophiliac imprints.

Infophobes are frightened out of their narrow little minds by any new information that comes along, especially if that new information instigates a reassessment of their values or preconceptions about the world. That the Infophobes have held power for the better part of the last 6000 years is a phenomenon I scarcely claim to understand and am at a loss to explain. Speculating, Iíd say they are drawn to positions of power in order to squash as much new (and therefore in their view, dangerous) information as possible. This pathological disdain for the new manifests in a number of ways: disliking of foreign food, culture or traditions, a clinging to nostalgic ideals about a supposed golden past before these tacos and enchiladas where put before their noses. This fascination (which borderlines on obsession for some. See: Pat Buchanan) with the supposed simpler days of Yore is really one of the major traits of the Infophobe. Youíll often hear them talk about traditional values (traditions, being long established, have their origins in this golden past), reminisces of the days of their youth and a general longing to return to some previous state of being long since fallen into corruption by nebulous outside forces (whose agents all have dark skin and weird tasting food). That there never was such a Golden Age of purity and benevolence is beside the point. It never existed, but had to be created out of fantasy in order to give contrast the ever-present here and now, which never seems to live up to their Platonic expectations.

The infophile, meanwhile is a curious little monkey scampering through the modern world in search of knowledge and an ever expanding consciousness. The Infophile never knows what they may find around the next corner, over the next year or week or day. But whatever it is, it can only broaden ones picture of the world and therefore it is welcomed and even craved when absent. Infophiles like to travel, watch foreign films (are intrigued by the various languages that the subtitles translate) are curious to try that new Ethiopian restaurant down the street and canít wait for the new book by their favorite author to hit the shelves of their corner bookstore. That these sorts of people tend to be day dreamers and creative types, always thinking about the future and speculating what it might hold is a common trait and one that arguably has been the force behind every human advancement. After all, people who respect their elders and like the way grandpa thinks arenít interested in changing anything. That might upset the status quo.

Obviously, this is another generalization. But if we keep in mind that these two types, the Infophobe and Infophile are at opposite ends of a sliding scale, we can have a greater, more nuanced understanding of who the fighters in the Culture War are and what it is they stand for, regardless of what shape their rhetoric takes or how they spell their name.

It's a bit maddening to play these verbal games but when a war is being faught in every brain in the nation, a more reasonable form of madness is all we can hopefore.

In Part Two Iíll look at some specific battles in the Culture War and maybe identify some of the current generals on both sides.

The Adds the RNC Doesnít Want you to See

from CNN:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The Republican National Committee is warning television stations across the country not to run ads from the MoveOn.org Voter Fund that criticize President Bush, charging that the left-leaning political group is paying for them with money raised in violation of the new campaign-finance law.

"As a broadcaster licensed by the Federal Communications Commission, you have a responsibility to the viewing public, and to your licensing agency, to refrain from complicity in any illegal activity," said the RNC's chief counsel, Jill Holtzman Vogel, in a letter sent to about 250 stations Friday.

"Now that you have been apprised of the law, to prevent further violations of federal law, we urge you to remove these advertisements from your station's broadcast rotation."

But MoveOn.org's lawyer, Joseph Sandler, said in a statement that the ads were funded legally, calling the RNC's letter "a complete misrepresentation of the law."

"The federal campaign laws have permitted precisely this use of money for advertising for the past 25 years," he said.

And MoveOn.org, which was planning to spend $1.9 million on an ad buy that started Thursday, said Friday that it would spend another $1 million.

Theyíre not even pretending to defend your freedoms anymore. Itís outright censorship for politcal gains. So all you freepers, next time you wonder aloud, "Why do Liberals hate Bush?" just follow the long finger pointing at all the signs.

If you havenít already donated to MoveOn., now would be a good time.

Thanks to Lambert over at Corrente for the link.

Ever Wonder What Country You'd Be?

Who doesn't? Turns out I'm not a country so much as an assortment of countries. Whitman said we contain multitudes but where do we shop for pants that can accomadate them all?

You're
the United Nations!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to
completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long
way to go.  You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each
other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of
beating each other about the head and torso.  Sometimes it works and sometimes
it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result.  But your heart
is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
face="Times New Roman">Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Mugging for the Cause

Both Atrios and NTodd are running Kerry donation campaigns right now and I support them whole heartedly. While I may not be a card carrying Democrat and have doubts about the validity of the Democratic process as a whole, it's all we've got to work with. So if you really want to get rid of Bush in November, donate to Kerry, the DNC or MoveOn.

Disclosure: I haven't donated yet but I'm in Grad School. So when my next round of loans come in, I'll be dropping some coin in the bucket.

Never Fear! The... Pope is Here?

From Tom Tomorrow:

Pax Christi USA, the national Catholic peace and justice movement, will announce its plan to bring election monitors from the international community to observe and monitor the November elections in Florida. Pax Christi USA will also issue a call inviting other state and national organizations to join them in monitoring the election, especially in Florida, in an attempt to make the democratic process transparent and free of the kind of controversy witnessed in Florida during the 2000 election.

The Catholic Church has never been what one would characterizerise as a progressive, pro-democratic organizationtion. After all, these are the same folk who twiddled their thumbs while Hitler was murdering his way across Europe and conducted their own bloody little inquisitions all through the Middle Ages. But you know things are bad when the Pope, Steward of Rome, who rules until the King of the World returns, thinks there might be something fishy going on with the way your government runs its elections.

_________
edited to exterminate Fnords

Now Playing in My Head:

The Smiths, VICAR IN A TUTU

I was minding my business
I was lifting some lead off
The roof of the Holy Name church
It was worthwhile living a laughable life
Just to set my eyes on the blistering sight
Of a vicar in a tutu
He's not strange
He just wants to live his life this way

A scanty bit of a thing
With a decorative ring
That wouldn't cover the head of a child
As Rose collects the money in the cannister
Who comes sliding down the bannister ?
The vicar in a tutu
He's not strange
He just wants to live his life this way...

The Gospel According to Mad Max

I can't take credit for this one, it belongs to Beast of Sound. And from what I've heard of the movie, it's a more acurate title. If anyone's already seen this theological snuff film, leave a review in the comments.

Supporting 'the Base'

From Everything's Ruined:

PRESIDENT PROPOSES MARRIAGE AMENDMENT TO SATISFY AL-QAEDA
"We are not infidels," says a somber Bush. "We agree with you on so many issues."

With President Bush's embrace yesterday of a marriage amendment, the compassionate conservative of 2000 has shown he is willing, if necessary, to make common cause with Osama bin Laden and fundamentalist mullahs throughout the Middle East.

Al-Qaeda, which translates as "The Base," despite three years of not attacking the US directly, has grown restless over Bush ignoring them and focusing too much on Saddam Hussein and John Kerry. At the same time, al-Qaeda is pleased that Bush has forwarded their agenda of destroying the United States, though Bush prefers "soft" methods such as financial mismanagement and murderously reckless environmental policy.

So when gay marriages advanced in Massachusetts and San Francisco, Bush felt a need to respond to the cries of angry mullahs -- even if it meant losing some swing voters he needs in November.

"Ultimately, I don't think he had any choice," said Ayman al-Zahawiri, a religious conservative who some call "Bin Laden's Brain." "The president has never really shown an enthusiasm about the wars over the culture." Al-Zahawiri added: "It would've been inconceivable that a president so associated with traditional values would have sat idly by while marriage was being redefined. He had to act."

[...]

..."Pulling our troops out of Saudi Arabia and going after the secular Saddam Hussein has not been enough for bin Laden and his people. Yes, now Iraq is on the way to becoming an Islamic state and Bush is eager to get us the hell out of there, but still you need to prove that you're willing to take measures at home. Eliminating civil liberties was the first step, and bin Laden is quite pleased about Bush's judicial appointees, most of whom favor reducing women's rights and making America a more explicitly religious nation. But if we're really going to please al-Qaeda we have to start attacking God's enemies directly. Homosexuals are God's enemies."

Already, some imams are pushing Bush to back an amendment that outlaws civil unions, too.

"In the last couple of months, 'The Base' has been hungry for moral leadership to come out of White House and was urging him to do something strong like he did today," said Shaikh Saiid al-Masri, one of the principal financiers of bin Laden's revolutionary terrorist organization.

But al-Masri said jihadists will balk if Bush sanctions an amendment allowing civil unions. "Creating counterfeits by any name hurts the real thing," he said. "God is great and he will punish the infidels who condone sodomy."

~Thanks to Patrick Nielson Hayden for the link.

You are Schroeder!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

~Thanks to NTodd for the link

Cosmonaut Rick Reports from the Mothership

What our dear friend Rick "Stop humping my leg! Ok, you can hump a little longer..." Santorum said on the 700 Club:

[T]he consequence is very clear. Marriage loses its significance. People will stop getting married. Homosexuals will not get married; heterosexuals will stop getting married. And that to me is the real threat to the American family and to the culture generally.

That's some ironclad logic there, Rick: if gays get married than they won't get married. He's not only licked the toad, he's started reading Quantum Physics texts.

Next he'll describe how in a parallell universe, where homosexuality is the norm, it will be straits who are demanding the right to marry, and theparallell Rick Santorum will be in favor of that, ergo, in this universe, our Rick Santorum is actually a hip progressive activist fighting for marriage rights for downtrodden heteros.Makess perfect sense.

Citizens! To the Printing Presses!

The federal government [...] has warned publishers they may face grave legal consequences for editing manuscripts from Iran and other disfavored nations, on the ground that such tinkering amounts to trading with the enemy.


Anyone who publishes material from a country under a trade embargo is forbidden to reorder paragraphs or sentences, correct syntax or grammar, or replace "inappropriate words," according to several advisory letters from the Treasury Department in recent months.

Adding illustrations is prohibited, too. To the baffled dismay of publishers, editors and translators who have been briefed about the policy, only publication of "camera-ready copies of manuscripts" is allowed.

This is just the latest part of a disturbing trend in anti-intellectualism that this administration seems to have embraced wholeheartedly. From the shoehorning of science to fit their ideiologies (when they donít just ignore it all together) to the blatant and easily refuted lies that contradict widely known facts, BushCo. has repeadedly and shamelessly attempted to undermine all forms of thought, research and expression that do not conform with their narrow views by labelling it as treason. And more to the point, George Bush seems to hate anyone smarter than him, which, as we all know is just about everyone. So if he canít win in an honest battle of the wits, heíll simply make us all witless.

So what if a researcher in Iran comes up with a new innovative Cancer treatment? Are we suposed to dismiss it as ìJunk Terrorist Scienceî? What if a North Korean expat living in France writes the next great novel illuminating the suffering if his native land? Do we write it off as ìTerrorist Propaganda,î close our eyes and plug our ears and pretend it doesnít exist because it wasnít written by a White Christian?

Because really, thatís what this ammounts to, censorship of forign and ethnic ideas. It will never work of course. Because if it isnít published here, itíll be published in Canada, or Great Britain and then we can just order it through Amazon.uk. Or weíll start an underground printing press, smuggling foriegn manuscripts into the country and printing them in our garages and handing them out on street corners in the middle of the night.

BushCo. will have to burn down the printing presses and shut off the internet to stop these ideas form reaching our shores. And donít think they wouldnít try. Because the next amendment he backs will be the one repealing our right to read and think for ourselves, and itíll be called the Freedom of the Press Amendment.

maybe I'm over reacting. maybe I'm fuming fust to fume. Or maybe our leaders are trying to drag us back to the Dark Ages. I'd like to think they wouldn't be that dim witted but the sheer lack of luminosity of their thoughts never ceases to amaze me. I'm convinced, now more than ever that Bush would declare the world flat again if he thought their was some politcal ground to be gained form it.

~from Corrente, Making Light and others.

The Purge Continues

I have so far deleted IE from my Mac and am currently in the process of backing up my e-mail from Hotmail so that the account be be deactivated. Yesterday I downloaded a text editor called Tex-Edit Plus, which is half way between a bare bones text editor and word processor. It's working fine for now but I will need a full word-processor soon. Luckily there are a number of cheep alternatives to MS Word like Appleworks, Mellel and a number of shareware apps that look intriguing, such as Bookends and Reference Miner.

Appleworks is b far the most well known (and expensive) of the word processing apps. oddly enough it also has the lowest rating of all the other apps Iíve looked at. Itís still better rated than MS Word but every review of Mellel iíve read has been a rave.

This got me to thinking. MS Word is the ìindustry standardî the app everyone uses. Itís also a piece of shit. Itís an expensive, behemoth of a program (it uses far more megs of RAM to run than any other Word processor app out there. Just check the tech specs and youíll see what I mean). And it has a lot of utterly useless deelyboppers that no one ever uses. So why is it so popular?

Mostly I think it is due to the relentless promoting that Microsoft does of all their software. That, and the monopolistic habit of bundling their crappy software with every PC on the market. Most people donít realize their are alternatives that are cheeper, faster and more user friendly. Yeah, yo have to go look for them and initially, the search feels like dealing in drugs. You have to go down shady alleys and talk to some people whose reputation is unknown in order to get the stuff youríre looking for. This analogy falls short though because unlike drugs, alternative software is cheep. Mellel costs $29. Tex-Edit Plus is shareware, with a recommended donation of $15. Compare this with the student version of MS Office (you have to buy the whole suite) which costs $149.95 or the regular version which is $399.95.

Of course if anyoneís looked at the skyrocketing prices in Prescription meds these days, maybe the comparison is more accurate than I thought.

For the price of the student version of MS Office, you can get ahold of half a dozen smaller, cheeper faster apps that do the same thing (thereís even a shareware app that converts documents from Mac format to Word format and back again so cross platform issues are eliminated). All it takes is an afternoonís search on the Internet. Or just go to Versiontracker.com, youíre one stop shop for MS alternatives for both the Mac and PC.

Iíll stop prostelatizing now, I promise.

Friday Comic Blogging

You may have heard by now that the Great Will Eisner has a new comic book called the Plot, which takes on that most persistent of fraudulent propaganda, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

Several years ago I had the honor of taking to Mr. Eisner. It was a brief moment, standing around with several wide eyed art students, chatting with the man. He had came to my College to give a talk, as we were the only school in the country that offered a degree in Sequential Art (that's comic books). He was sharp, witty and full of ideas, a real inspiration to everyone who ever had a passion to do something creative for a living, in spite of all the reasons in the world not to. He and Ray Bradury are two of the biggest influences in my life. Oddly enough both are the same age and both have new books out.

I hope to be as creative and full of life at 86.

P.S. I've added Scott McCloud to the blogroll, wherein you can get a regular dose of comic book goodness.

P.P.S. There is also a new collection of Ray Bradbury stories adapted into comics by such artists as Mike Mignola, P. Craig Russell, and Dave McKean.

The Vanity of Slaves

The Romans named their slaves after gods. It amused them to issue commands to Jupiter and Mars, Juno and Pluto. Favorite slaves were given special privileges; they could finish the master's left over wine and dress them for parties.

Scipio Julius Africanius was a Praetor in the Roman Legion, a friend of senators and even dined on occasion with Caesar Augustus. He had a favorite slave named Apollo who, according to rumor, shared the general's bed almost as often as he made it. Apollo was often heard lording his status over the other slaves of Scipio's house. He was the general's favorite. Still, he couldn't go anywhere without the master's permission, could never be free, or vote or marry.

When a slave thinks his chains are jewelry, he'll never be free. He may be comfortable, or at least more so than the scullery girl or the stable boy but he is still a slave, any way you look at it.

Tell me, Andy (or is it Apollo?) how does it feel to be the master's favorite?

Storytime 7:
Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart*

One day, after thirteen rude customers in a row, a waitress named Astrid throws a plate of clams in the face of a fat man from Laredo who keeps calling her Marry Anne. She promptly stomps into the kitchen, kisses a bus boy named Henry full on the mouth and slams the door behind her. After tossing a few clothes and her cat, Lucy into a suitcase, she hails a taxi down to the docks, walks strait out onto the planks and boards the first boat heading anywhere.

It turns out the boat is captained by a Cuban Ex Patriot named Jorge Veluptus. He is heading for Havana with a boatload of illicit knobs. He wants to turn on all the down-trodden peoples of his homeland and start a revolution. Astrid and Jorge make wild passionate love on the deck of the ship, named the Insolent Navigator. Jorge names Lucy Second Mate.

Astridís unholy temper and boiler room lingo frightens the crew, all of whom are one-legged former whalers who fear that having a loose woman aboard is a sure sign of doom. Omens of Giant waves, midnight squalls and unmitigated swooning fill their sleepless nights. But they reach Havana without so much as a rain shower blotting their voyage. Jorge Voluptus locks the sailors in the hold and sinks the boat. There is no room for Insolent Navigators or superstitious one-legged sailors in their world.

They take to the streets of Havana, Astrid and Jorge, drunk with love, swilling Molotov cocktails, holding roses between their teeth, mowing down police with tommy guns loaded with silver bullets.

Astrid seduces young boys and shy, bisexual girls to their cause. All she has to do is lift her skirt and they fall madly in love with her vagina.

A blind woman selling paieya gives Jorge Che Guevaraís old beret.

Lucy rouses the hackles of every tomcat from Havana to Guantanamo Bay. The cats are the foot soldiers of The End, racing calico bedlam through the palace and hissing at all those foolish enough to stand in their path.

When Castro sees them coming, he pisses himself. In his dotage, he mistakes Jorge for the ghost of his old comrade in arms, come back from the dead at last, leading an army of Left Libertarians and mad cats to dance on the broken back of his failed idealism. Fidel weeps. Astrid takes pity on him.

After the revolution, she and Jorge let Fidel live out his last days in the spare bedroom of their little hut on the beech. The sound of their midnight frolicking in the surf is the last he ever hears. He dies, quiet and repentant in his sleep, Lucy the cat curled up on his fat belly. Free at last.

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*After Camper Van Beethoven

The Right Thing

Everyone in the blogosphere is talking about President Bush's backing of the blatent idiocy Marriage Amendment. many are angry at this news but I'd like to take this opportunity to defend our cowardly brave President. You have to give him credit. No other Dictator President but George W. Bush would take such a dramatic and bold stand against homosexual citizens activist judges demanding the right to mary the one they love forced sodomy. It's really amazing to see such an ignorant motherfucker articulate man make an obvious political gesture ardent and heartfelt plea for bigotry kindness and decency in these troubled times. The frothing redneck hatemongers American People have spoken. They want the Government interfearing in personal matters to take a stand, to stem the tide of equality depravity which threatens to undermine their stranglehold on power our Democracy.

Take Off the Wig, George, It Just Makes You Look Like a Dandy

This headline sums it up nicely: Education Secretary Paige calls teachers union "terrorist organization" And all because the NEA doesn't want to put their weight behind Bush's little tip of the hat to the horrors of Victorian Education, No Child Left Behind. Or as it is commonly refered to around the Library, Nicholas NCLB.

The Dikensian acranym would almosty be funny if these people weren't so dedicated to turning us into uneducated peasants. They need to really study their History though, having forgoten that those were just the people their Monarchist forebearers lost the revolution to all those years ago.

Get over it, George. The Enlightenment is here to stay. Pack up your King James version of the Constitution and your autographed copy of the Ten Commandments and hike it back to Crawford where you can be lord of your castle and the only sorry so-and-so that has to put up with your ass is Laura.

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~Thanks to Teresa Nielsen Hayden for the link.

The Simulated President
Part Two: Save Us, Arumcheck!

In Part One we compared George W. Bush to that fictional rascal, Furbish Lousewart V. In part Two, we will look towards another alternate universe, Philip K. Dick's Radio free Albemuth in which Ferris F. Freemont cons his way into the white house through assassination and voter fraud. And he where's a cowboy hat.

Ostensibly, Ferris F. Freemont is Dick's caricature of Nixon. But really, if Dick were alive today, he would stand up and say, "Holly shit, Man! What the fuck is wrong with that Bush guy? It's like he read my book as a how to manual!" Then he'd fall back into his chair and sob for us all.

There are worse novels to live in than one written by Philip K. Dick. That might not seem like a compliment but imagine living in The Brothers Karamazov or anything by Stephen King. At least in a Phil Dick novel, we know we're in for some weird shit. True, there may be no way out of the Black Iron Prison, (short of help from a kindly Extraterrestrial Satellite named Arumcheck, beaming the voice of God into our dreams. Until a Russian ICBM blows it of the stratosphere) But at least it gives context to our madness. That's something, at least.

Ferris F. Freemont's most notable contribution to the American Way of Life is the founding of a new Government Department, the Friends of America, whose job is basically to spy on everyone. But not in that kooky behind the scenes, James Bond sort of way but in the overt, We're-Totally-Aware-of-your-Information-and-have-a-nice-day sort of way. They are ever so polite about their intrusion into your personal space and overthrow of your basic constitutional rights. Oh, and Freemont also starts secret concentration camps in Montana where dissenters where rounded up and sent and ultimately executed. Now I know what you're thinking. "That's so inaccurate! And you're right. Bush put his concentration Camps in Cuba.

My Evergrowing Reading List

I've just ordered Alan Moore's Voice of the Fire.

"Part mythic cycle, part fictional history of Moore's hometown, part collection of fireside ghost stories, Voice of the Fire is as clever and well-crafted as Moore's other genre experiments, and by taking his dialogue out of word-balloons and panel arrangements, it gives his limitless literary ambition room to stretch out into new and fascinating forms." ~Tasha Robinson, The Onion

I'm intrigued. I'll have a full report once I finish Quicksilver, The Tahckery T. Lambshead Guide et al. and Grad School.

One Word Created the Universe and that Word was CUNT

Last night, some friends and I went to see the Vagina Monologues. We had a great time yelling the word, ìCunt!î in public. For those who havenít seen the Vagina Monologues, this is a major theme of the production, reclaiming the supposedly vulgar words used to describe female anatomy. It isnít just the word Cunt that has the backhanded distinction of being considered ìdirtyî but most words having to do with female anatomy. As a big fan of female anatomy, I find this appalling and hereby do my part as an enlightened male and Cunt fan to reclaim all the dirty words. I want to educate the children of the world, let them know that Cunt is a beautiful word. Cunt is soft and hard at the same time. Cunt knocks you on your ass and then licks your chin. Cunt can unbuckle your belt with its tongue. Cunt fondles your balls with one hand while talking on the telephone with your mother. Cunt knows all the rules to Monopoly but cheats anyway. Cunt wears combat boots and fishnet stockings, stares you in the eye, licks its lips and giggles.

Afterwards we went to a diner and discussed many things but most importantly what a male version of the Vagina Monologues might be like. We decided it would involve a lot of chanting penises and probably some bawdy humor about toilets and maybe a part dedicated to the joys of wacking off. Definetly something involving the joys and celebration of the male orgasm. the Vagina Monologues got us thinking at the very least about gender roles and our place in society because of them. It also hit home the horrible condition that many women in various parts of the world endure all because of humanityís propensity for violence.

One of the most rousing moments of the show was when the vagina Liberation Army was lined up, reciting what their Cunt would say if it could talk, what it would wear and what it smells like. One of the women said hers smelled like, ìthe top two democratic presidential candidates; Bush must Go!î

Everyone in the auditorium clapped and yelled in agreement. Everyone. Now grant it, not too many conservatives would be caught dead at a show that is all about women feeling empowered as sexual and unique individuals. Jesus doesnít like to be on the bottom, and women shouldnít talk about such things in public, after all. But with that many people unashamedly hooting at the prospect of ejecting Bush out of office onto his pasty GOP ass, well it turned my head around. Iím no longer afraid that Bush might win. I know heíll loose. The only way heíll stay in the oval office is through criminal behavior. Which isnít a threat that should be taken lightly, Diebold machines or no.

Ideological Purge

PinkDreamPoppies over at Alas, a Blog is in the midst of a Great Purge of all Microsoft software from her computer. I have been contemplating a similar purge for about four months now.

Doing a quick assessment of my hard drive, I find that the only MS proprietary software on it is Internet Explorer and MS Office. I never use IE (I have a Powerbook G4 from Apple which uses Safari as its primary browser. Being a Mac user is what also makes it easier for me to consider ditching MS entirely) So I could dump IE five minutes ago which would only leave the Office Suite. This I would need to replace as I use Word for all of my writing. Luckily the newest version of AppleWorks is crossplatform and can easily read my word files as well as generate RTFs and PDFs.

Soon I shall purchase Appleworks, which would then only leave my hotmail account as the last lone MS application I use. Any suggestions from the computer savvy folk out there in the blogosphere as to which free e-mail service I should convert to?

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Update: I just did a search of my hard drive for any Microsoft Applications. I expected to find the various office apps, and did but I also found something unexpected called the Microsoft Database Daemon. The weird thing is, when I looked at the path to see where this app was located it wasn't visible. The path went: harddrive/Microsoft Office X/Office/Microsoft Database Daemon. But when I went to check in the Office folder, it listed everything else int here, but the Database Daemon. A quick Google Search revealed that the MDD is some sort of database managing program that is always on, even when all MS applications are closed. I don't know about you but I'm not too pleased about the idea that some MS app is creeping around unseen, managing databases without me ever even knowing it's there. One more reason to go MS free.

Update2: IE now rests in a shallow grave in my garden. Next years tomatoes should be big and juicy.

Update3: I have done away with my Hotmail account and started a new Yahoo account specifically for the blog. It's linked on the sidebar but in case you're too lazy to swivel your eyes over there, it's invisiblelibrary@yahoo.com.

Update 4: My backup browser is now Mozilla Camino. Damn is it fast!

The Simulated President
Part One: The Revolution of Lowered Expectations

In deference to the Fanatical Right, I will no longer compare George W. Bush to Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Pol Pot or any of the more colorful and flamboyant dictators of the twentieth Century. However dramatic (and tentatively accurate) these comparisons may be, they fall short of their point. Once the statement, "Bush is like Hitler" is made, you can almost hear minds closing and making any sort of rational argument from that point forward is a Sisyphean task, to say the least. Not only do we have to contend with the quibbling over what "is" Nazism or Fascism as a sociopolitical movement, we have to deal with ontological categories as a whole; are these ideas two branches of the same thing, or are they Left or Right of the political seesaw? Ultimately such questions are pure sophism, or worse philosphistry, which is the creative act of dressing up half baked arguments as philosophical discourse on the level of what did Nietzsche really mean by "the Abyss" and can one get a decent bowl of pad tai noodles when you get there?

So, to avoid pissing in anyone's porridge, I will instead take the safe route and compare George W. Bush to only fictional presidents. By their nature of being fictional, there's no real emotional investment in these "people" and so the accuracy of their political positions are of a symbolic nature only. (We could argue that Bush's policies are equally symbolic in that they have no bearing on his actions but that's a different essay altogether).

The first fictional president we will look at is Furbish Lousewart V. from the Schrodingerís Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson.

By his own admission, Wilson made President Lousewart a parody of Ralph Nader at his most dogmatic. He is thus, politically speaking an Extreme Lefty, but only superficially. Lousewart has a supreme blind spot when it comes to his ideological purity (his party in fact is called the Purity of Ecology Party) and cannot admit that there is an authority higher than his own moral compass. GWB, on the other hand is bound by his own pseudo-religious hierarchy and thus must, as an Evangelical Christian, at least keep up the pretense that there is a higher moral authority than himself, i.e. God. But it is merely a pretense. If we were to believe for even a moment that the President of the United States, Leader of the Free World genuinely believed that his power and authority was bestowed upon him by the invisible King of the Angels, who lives in Cloud Cuckoo Land, waited upon by flitting Cherubim as He sips nectar from the teet of a virgin, we would effectively and collectively admit that the president is certifiably out of his frickiní mind. Then weíd really be in trouble.

So we take it as axiomatic that Bushís religiosity is merely a pretense, a sham to keep the frothing religious yahoos who comprise his voting base happy. In reality, Bush is merely an egomaniac, like Lousewart who is incapable of admitting that his notions about how the world works might be a little out of sync with consensual reality. Likewise, in Wilsonís novel, Lousewart is only ostensibly a Lefty. His dogmatic infallibility complex takes him round the bend into the realm of authoritarian Leftism, which is identical to Authoritarian Rightism (hence the confusion in some peopleís minds concerning the political orientation of the Nazis. After all, theyíre National Socialists, arenít they? And Socialists, as we all know, are Big Fat Liberals, arenít they?) Lousewart famously staffs his cabinet with yogis and gurus, and initiates measures to indoctrinate schoolchildren with Hatha Yoga and Vegitarianism. Bush fills Circuit Court appointments with fellow Evangelicals, starts faith based initiatives, school voucher programs that encourage the wealthy to pull their children out of Public schools and ship them off to Private religious schools and he has no problems with the Ten Commandments being displayed in school rooms and courtrooms. Yoga or prayer. Whatís the difference, really?

The overall ideology of the Lousewart Administration is based on the Revolution of Lowered Expectations, which Wilson elaborates on further in this essay [scroll down to third item]:

...For perspective, it should be remembered that the ideology of Lowered Expectations arrived on the historical scene immediately after the upsurge of Rising Expectations. That is, after the Utopian hopes of the American Declaration of Independence and the French Declaration of the Rights of Man, almost as if in reaction, an employee of the British East India Company, Thomas Malthus, created the first "scientific" argument that the ideals of those documents could never be achieved. Malthus had discovered that at his time world population was growing faster than known resources, and he assumed that this would always be true, and that misery would always be the fate of the majority of humanity.

Taking Malthusian bitterness as gospel, Lousewart outlaws all Non Ecological Science, underfunds Ecological Science to the point of starvation and generally guts the Social Services, in order to provide that feeling of third world suffering that is spiritually gratifying.

Change a few details and that might as well be Bushís current Economic Stimulus Package. Unless of course, you think working at McDonaldís is a manufacturing job. (Under Lousewart, the eating of meat was eventually outlawed, creating a black market cousin of the prohibition Speakeasy, the ìSteakeasyî where one could get a Big Mac for $7).

In Part two we will examine a parallel universe dangerously close to our own, in which President Farris F. Freemont, a paranoid incompetent, has managed to scheme his way into office through assassination and voter fraud. Did I mention he wears a cowboy hat?

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Thanks to the gang over at the Liberal Coalition for their helpful suggestions.

BushCo. vs. Science

In a previous post, I alluded to BushCo.'s problem with spinning scientific evidence they don't like into Frankenstein versions of the truth, which they can then easily discredit to the semi-literate masses who are more preoccupied with contacting their guardian angel with a ouija board. Turns out I'm not the only one picking on our favorite C student and his jock buddies:

WASHINGTON - A group of more than 60 top U.S. scientists, including 20 Nobel laureates and several science advisers to past Republican presidents, on Wednesday accused the Bush administration of manipulating and censoring science for political purposes.

In a 46-page report and an open letter, the scientists accused the administration of "suppressing, distorting or manipulating the work done by scientists at federal agencies" in several cases. The Union of Concerned Scientists, a liberal advocacy group based in Cambridge, Mass., organized the effort, but many of the critics aren't associated with it.

[edit]

"I don't recall it ever being so blatant in the past," said Princeton University physicist Val Fitch, a 1980 Nobel Prize winner who served on a Nixon administration science advisory committee. "It's just time after time after time. The facts have been distorted."

White House [Science] adviser Marburger, also a physicist, said, "I don't think that these incidents or issues add up to strong support for the accusation that this administration is deliberately acting to undermine the processes of science."

He then proceeded with his afternoon ritual of selecting leaches for Vice President Cheneyís pre-dinner blood letting.

Paging Dr. Jesus

From Scopes.com:

President Bush has announced his plan to select Dr. W. David Hager to head up the Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. The committee has not met for more than two years, during which time its charter has lapsed. As a result, the Bush Administration is tasked with filling all eleven positions with new members. This position does not require Congressional approval.

[edit]

Dr. Hager is a practicing OB/GYN who describes himself as "pro-life" and refuses to prescribe contraceptives to unmarried women. Hager is the author of "As Jesus Cared for Women: Restoring Women Then and Now." The book blends biblical accounts of Christ healing women with case studies from Hager's practice. In the book Dr. Hager wrote with his wife, entitled "Stress and the Woman's Body," he suggests that women who suffer from premenstrual syndrome should seek help from reading the bible and praying. As an editor and contributing author of "The Reproduction Revolution: A Christian Appraisal of Sexuality, Reproductive Technologies and the Family," Dr. Hager appears to have endorsed the medically inaccurate assertion that the common birth control pill is an abortifacient.

For some women, such as those with certain types of diabetes and those undergoing treatment for cancer, pregnancy can be a life-threatening condition. We are concerned that Dr. Hager's strong religious beliefs may color his assessment of technologies that are necessary to protect women's lives or to preserve and promote women's health. Hager's track record of using religious beliefs to guide his medical decision-making makes him a dangerous and inappropriate candidate to serve as chair of this committee. Critical drug public policy and research must not be held hostage by antiabortion politics. Members of this important panel should be appointed on the basis of science and medicine, rather than politics and religion. American women deserve no less.

[edit]

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
1. SEND THIS TO EVERY PERSON WHO IS CONCERNED ABOUT WOMEN'S RIGHTS.
2. OPPOSE THE PLACEMENT OF THIS MAN BY CONTACTING THE WHITE HOUSE AND TELL THEM HE IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE ON ANY LEVEL.

Please email President Bush at president@whitehouse.gov or call the White House at (202) 456-1111 or (202) 456-1414 and say "I oppose the appointment of Dr. Hager to the FDA Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Mixing religion and medicine is unacceptable. Using the FDA to promote a political agenda is inappropriate and seriously threatens all women's health."

Story Time 6:
Morning Glory

That morning, Emmett Frog awoke early, showered, shaved, had a good breakfast, brushed his teeth, loaded his gun and walked out of his apartment onto a crowded street and pulled the trigger six times. His first few shots hit nothing. The last two winged a nun and ruined the shoulder of a used car salesman. Methodically, Emmett emptied the shells from his revolver and reloaded one bullet at a time. He proceeded to fire randomly into the screaming and rapidly scattering crowd. He did this two more times before the police arrived. It took thirteen bullets, fired by five officers to finally stop Emmett Frog. Before they did, he managed to kill five people and injure nine others. Among the dead was a bartender at a local restaurant named John Calamari.

When the coroner examined the body of Emmett frog, he found lodged in his brain pain, a seed, which had recently sprouted into a orchid. The coroner could not explain how the seed had become lodged in Emmett Frogís brain, or how it had managed to grow into a full sized flower, petals and all with no sunlight. Sure, the brain provided ample nutrients, being mostly water and protein but could enough sunlight enter the skull through a manís eyes to provide a seed enough warmth and encouragement to sprout? And how had a orchid managed to grow so large within the confines of one manís cramped and humid skull?

With so little known about the hows and whys of this peculiar flower, the coroner could only speculate:

Like a green house, Emmett Frogís skull had nurtured this plant to the point where it strangled that part of his brain responsible for higher reasoning, logic and appreciation of the arts. Also, a long fingerlike root was found surrounding the part of the brain that governs sexual response, which would account for Mr. Frogís enormous erection and sloppy grin.

However it got there, the flower was listed as an accomplice in the murder of five individuals and a root cause of the violent act, if not the mastermind of the whole sordid event.

Because of a peculiar and old fangled law, the orchid could in that county be charged as an accessory to murder. The District Attorney was at first reluctant to file charges against a plant but the victimís families demanded justice be served, one way or another.

So the orchid was tried, convicted on five counts of accessory to first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole (Haxan County does not consider any living creature with an IQ bellow sixty to be of sufficient sentience to have full knowledge of its actions and so the orchid was ineligible for the Death Penalty. Had the crime occurred in Texas, however, the flower would have been sent to the electric chair, post haste).

The orchid was well cared for by its cellmate, Danny Goodboy, who was serving two years for taking a í76 Pinto for a joyride without having benefit of being the vehicleís owner. Upon his release, Danny found gainful employment as a gardener at a nursery just outside of town where he showed an uncanny aptitude for rehabilitating members of the family Orchis.

The orchid drowned six months later when its new cellmate tried to smoke one of its leaves and set off the sprinklers on that cellblock.

"The shows they censored suggest a perspective that is Talibanesque"

The Bush administration has decided that people with bad hearing have bad judgment, too, and need special guidance from the federal government.

So the U.S. Department of Education is declaring about 200 television programs inappropriate for closed-captioning and denying federal grant requests to make them accessible to the hearing-impaired.

[edit]

The government is refusing to caption Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, apparently fearing that the deaf would fall prey to witchcraft if they viewed the classic sitcoms.

Banning Scoobie-Doo doesn't sound like anything too bad but these are the same folks who started an investigation over a tit shown on TV while those who outed a CIA Agent get a shrug of the shoulders and half a column on page D12. I'd hardly be the first to point out that there is an extreme and disturbing disconnect between those in power and the people they govern. But this is getting to the point where it seriously may jepordize not just what we watch on Television, but how we conduct public discourse.

The Government has no business policing what citizens see and hear (or don't hear, as the case may be). We take this as axiomatic but then just sigh and say, "Oh, that George!" and go on to watch Charmed (assuming you aren't hard of hearing. Then it's reruns of Davy and Goliath for you). And this is the sort of attitude that the people who make such laws are counting on, good old fashioned, homegrown American Apathy. Because after all its just a few deaf kids and the elderly. Who cares, right? Well you should. Because after John Ashcroft gets through reading confidential records of Doctors who perform abortions he might decide that anyone who watches Alias might get some terrorist activity related program ideas into their heads and then it'll be no more James Bond movies. Better nix the Austin Powers marathon, too. Just to be safe.

And that's really what it all boils down to, an overreaching desire for safety in a world that never promised us fields of lilies and happy kittens 24/7. It's ironic that this hyperactive desire for Safety Above all else spreads only fear and insecurity. People who are afraid that what they watch and listen too might be used against them won't watch or hear anything. Just to be safe. Which is mighty convenient as docility and fear of one's neighbors is a mighty convenient trait to have when running a police state. Just ask Uncle Joe.

Just when you think that BushCo. can't surprise you any further, they make watching TV an act of rebellion.

~Link via Neil Gaiman

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Update 2/17/04: Fellow LC member Scott at The Gamer's Nook has more information on this matter.

Happy President's Day!

(via Tom Tomorrow)